A Grief Blunder

It is colder, time for soups, hot cocoa, blankets, and thick socks.  The comforts of cooler weather can surely bring us closer together, and allow us to have warm thoughts of those around us.  It can also take us to a place of longing for those people or things that we no longer get to enjoy and spend time with over the holidays. 

As I prepare for bereavement group each month, I have to do my own work in pondering what has been some of the most important comforts to me, as I process loss.  Hugs from little ones are always nice.  Smiles from a stranger can brighten up my day as well.  Yet, I am sometimes plagued by the statements that people make that cause you to wonder, How dare they say something like that to me about someone I love and they don't know? or How can someone question my feelings when they've never been in my shoes?

Then, I think...I'm just as guilty; we all are.  We have been conditioned to pacify grief with futile words.  We don't want to see people cry because it upsets us.  We don't want to have "the" conversation because it makes us ponder our own mortality.  Our intentions are great, but the fact still remains that words may not be the ultimate healer during these sensitive times. Words can create a sting that is difficult to overcome as you process your grief journey. 

So to keep us all from falling into this innocent, yet societal faux pas, consider these statements to say to family, friends or associates during their time of grief: 

1.  Don't Say:  "I don't understand why you are still crying." A person's grief experience does not have to be understood by others, but it should be respected.  Do Say: "Take as much time as you need."  Respecting someone's process can go a long way, and validates that their loved one's life deserves to be mourned. 

2.  Don't Say: "You shouldn't feel that way, they were not nice to you anyway." Every relationship is unique; so no two people experience the life of another the same.  Do Say:  Nothing at all.  In this instance, unsolicited opinions do not matter. 

3.  Don't Say:  "You're handling this better than I thought."  We are not cookie-cutter people, so there is not a "right" way to handle grief.  Do Say: "It's ok to feel however you feel."  This acknowledges all the emotional, physical, and behavioral reactions that one may experience. 

Think about those that are missing someone or something as the seasons change.  The best you can do is put forth effort to be present; which doesn't require words.  "Before you speak, ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful.  If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid." B. Meltzer

Renew Your Life!